I was stupid, again, to think I was healing

How am I supposed to forget when everything I am is a constant reminder of you?

Help from My Happy Bunny

To help me beat my demons and at an attempt to stay strong I came up with Happy Bunny. You can visit My Happy Bunny's blog here: http://myhappybunny.blogspot.com/

I'll alternate between the two blogs. I want to keep My Happy Bunny Land as a positive place and I'll post my demons here, but I'll keep linking between the two when necessary (hopefully it won't have to be very often!)

I AM stronger than this!

And I WILL beat whatever the fuck it is that he caused me to become!

I know it isn't going to be easy, and I know that there are going to be alot of times when I feel like giving up, and some days where I may not be strong enough to stop myself from starving myself or binging or self-harming or crying myself to sleep.

But I'm determined to beat this. I'm determined to beat him! I hope this means I'm finally ready to be over him. I hope this means I am finally better than him and so much more than he'll ever, ever deserve!

And I hope Karma will someday kick him in the face!

I blame you

I developed my eating disorder the first time you fucked me over.

When I gave you your 2nd chance I told you what it did to me, but that I didn't blame you.

You fucked me over again and I slipped back into my old ways. 3 months later and I still blame you.

I always did.

I should have guessed

Hmm, I should have guessed that being happy would be short lived. 2 days of feeling happy is all I'm allowed? I thought that this might have been "it." That somehow I'd gotten over the depression, the shitty eating patterns, the pain. By now I should know that that isn't the case. Ever. It was so naive of me to think you can wake up one day and everything is suddenly right again. It's my own fucking fault. I can only blame myself. Again. Shit!

Out of control

That's what I'd call myself at the moment. Before I slipped back into this I was eating crap and putting on weight, but now, I'm eating 3 x that and then purging it. Everyday for the last... week. That's not right for me. When I used to b/p it would be once or twice in a week, every couple of months. I'm scared that it becoming a regular thing is going to become a regular thing. I feel like shit for it.

Thought of the day...

I can't be pretty. I can't be happy. I can't be educated. I can't be saved. I will be thin.