I blame you

I developed my eating disorder the first time you fucked me over.

When I gave you your 2nd chance I told you what it did to me, but that I didn't blame you.

You fucked me over again and I slipped back into my old ways. 3 months later and I still blame you.

I always did.

I should have guessed

Hmm, I should have guessed that being happy would be short lived. 2 days of feeling happy is all I'm allowed? I thought that this might have been "it." That somehow I'd gotten over the depression, the shitty eating patterns, the pain. By now I should know that that isn't the case. Ever. It was so naive of me to think you can wake up one day and everything is suddenly right again. It's my own fucking fault. I can only blame myself. Again. Shit!

Out of control

That's what I'd call myself at the moment. Before I slipped back into this I was eating crap and putting on weight, but now, I'm eating 3 x that and then purging it. Everyday for the last... week. That's not right for me. When I used to b/p it would be once or twice in a week, every couple of months. I'm scared that it becoming a regular thing is going to become a regular thing. I feel like shit for it.

Thought of the day...

I can't be pretty. I can't be happy. I can't be educated. I can't be saved. I will be thin.

The worst bit...

Euurgh! The worst bit of a binge is knowing exactly what you are doing and not having the power to stop yourself. Not having control over your actions. I hate it so much!! The best bit is after the purge, I won't call it a positive of a binge but it gives me a weird high, to feel empty. The compulsion and the inability to stop yourself, it's the most difficult part.

Here I am again.

Taken from my first ever blog post - "There are many beginnings in a lifetime" - and it's very true. Maybe this is another new beginning as I haven't blogged in what seems like a lifetime. There is just something about posting on a blog that is so very comforting. Diaries are supposed to be places where you put all your hopes and dreams, but I feel like a blog does it so much better. All your secrets, all your wishes, and all your bad times, laid bare for anyone to see... to help them and show them they aren't alone. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, or for anyone, to feel like I do sometimes, but I know that unfortunately there are other people going through and feeling similar things to me, and if you are one of those people I just hope you know that even when you feel like things are at an all time low, you aren't alone. Ever.