I blame you

I developed my eating disorder the first time you fucked me over.

When I gave you your 2nd chance I told you what it did to me, but that I didn't blame you.

You fucked me over again and I slipped back into my old ways. 3 months later and I still blame you.

I always did.

I should have guessed

Hmm, I should have guessed that being happy would be short lived. 2 days of feeling happy is all I'm allowed? I thought that this might have been "it." That somehow I'd gotten over the depression, the shitty eating patterns, the pain. By now I should know that that isn't the case. Ever. It was so naive of me to think you can wake up one day and everything is suddenly right again. It's my own fucking fault. I can only blame myself. Again. Shit!

Out of control

That's what I'd call myself at the moment. Before I slipped back into this I was eating crap and putting on weight, but now, I'm eating 3 x that and then purging it. Everyday for the last... week. That's not right for me. When I used to b/p it would be once or twice in a week, every couple of months. I'm scared that it becoming a regular thing is going to become a regular thing. I feel like shit for it.

Thought of the day...

I can't be pretty. I can't be happy. I can't be educated. I can't be saved. I will be thin.

The worst bit...

Euurgh! The worst bit of a binge is knowing exactly what you are doing and not having the power to stop yourself. Not having control over your actions. I hate it so much!! The best bit is after the purge, I won't call it a positive of a binge but it gives me a weird high, to feel empty. The compulsion and the inability to stop yourself, it's the most difficult part.

Here I am again.

Taken from my first ever blog post - "There are many beginnings in a lifetime" - and it's very true. Maybe this is another new beginning as I haven't blogged in what seems like a lifetime. There is just something about posting on a blog that is so very comforting. Diaries are supposed to be places where you put all your hopes and dreams, but I feel like a blog does it so much better. All your secrets, all your wishes, and all your bad times, laid bare for anyone to see... to help them and show them they aren't alone. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, or for anyone, to feel like I do sometimes, but I know that unfortunately there are other people going through and feeling similar things to me, and if you are one of those people I just hope you know that even when you feel like things are at an all time low, you aren't alone. Ever.

My afternoon...

I'm glad I've just spent my afternoon heaving over the toilet bowl.
I promised myself I'd never go there again.
Looks like you can't escape it after all. Oh the joys. And I missed a phonecall off my boss. Damn it!

I'm fucking failing.
I'm a fucking failure.
Again.

Where the fuck are you and why have you left me?
You know I can't fucking do it without you!
And what's the fucking point if I can't do it?

I need to do it.
I WON'T live my life as a fat fucking failure.
I CAN'T be a fat fucking failure!!!

I'll try on my own.
I'll try with everything I have.
But I'm hoping you'll come back for me.
I'm desperate for you to remember that you've left me behind.

Save me from myself =[

You probably don't want to know how my night has been :'[

Emptiness

The only emptiness is the fridge and the cupboard
The freezer and the draws

Fullness

The only fullness is that of her head
Contradicting voices screaming the next step

Weariness

Of which takes over her heart
And it’s ability to WANT to keep beating

Sickness

Both a feeling towards herself and her greed
A feeling that looks towards the draw of the toilet bowl

Ashamed

As tears roll down her face
And snot drips from her nose
Her heaves and coughs they make no noise
Drowned out by water flow

Emptiness

When the toilet flushes
Her stomach wrenches
Throat raw
Fatigued

Relief

It’s over for now and for one more time
She has regained her control

Celery & carrot soup

Easy to make, low-cal, tasty celery and carrot soup.
The following made me 2 servings with a total of about 30 calories (15 cal per serving).

2 sticks of celery
2 medium carrots unpealed
Water

Wash the celery & carrots and chop off both ends
Chop it all into pieces (I cut them into quarters then cut them lengthways)
Boil in water for 15 - 20 minutes until soft
Separate the water from the celery and carrots but keep the water
Blend the celery and carrots and gradually add the water whilst blending until it is as thick as you want it to be (this all depends on your personal preference)

Either eat it straight away or put it in a covered container in the fridge. It should keep fine for a couple of days; simply reheat in a pan or microwave but keep stirring it as you heat it so the water doesn't seperate.

n.b. I reheated the remaining water to the boil, added some gravy granuals and then froze it. Now when I want gravy I can just defrost it and I haven't lost the nutrients taken from the carrots/celery when they were boiled and I'm not wasting water!

Simple, quick, easy, delish, low-cal!

I'm the only person I know that...

I am the only person I know that is ill for a week and doesn't lose any weight! No matter how ill I get my appetite doesn't disappear and the amount of exercise I can do is limited because I am hardly able to get out of bed.

I've been able to control my eating somewhat so that I haven't put on any weight but this is the first week in a while that I haven't lost any :( which is making it even harder than usual to not go and binge because I'm so down about this week!

Supposed to be starting my new job on Monday; I had best be better by then!!

Gahh, shitty day today :(

She is a tragedy
She is a heart break
She is a single tear on a cheek

She is a broken dream
She is broken mirror
She is a goal failed to reach

She is the product of her own mistakes
Yet she hasn’t learnt from a thing
She is a hatred of her own reflection
She see’s the disappointment in their eyes

~ Sick of the lies, the fake smiles, the games and the pretending. But you'll keep clinging to the bow holding up your mask. You can have your sunshine, your rainbows and your blue skies and you can pretend you aren't hiding a darkness beneath that facade ~

Lay your head upon my shoulder
Wrap your arms around my neck
Let me comfort you in times of need
And gather all your tears

They may not see but I know that your beauty runs deep